


something always brings me back to you

by wingardiumleviosa111



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: 3x08, F/F, I havent seen 3x09 yet so this is set before that episode airs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-14
Updated: 2015-06-14
Packaged: 2018-04-04 08:07:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4130598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingardiumleviosa111/pseuds/wingardiumleviosa111
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three weeks and two days after Delphine breaks up with her, Cosima finds herself caught up in a furry sweater that smells like Delphine, the remnants of an Eskimo Pie still dotting her lips.</p>
            </blockquote>





	something always brings me back to you

**Author's Note:**

> title is from Gravity by Sara Bareilles

Six hours after Delphine breaks up with Cosima, Sarah returns to Felix’s apartment, makeup smeared and shoulders hunched in exhaustion. She murmurs a soft hello to Cosima and heads immediately to the kitchen to pour herself a generous amount of bourbon. By the time she flops down next to where Cosima is sitting on the couch, she’s already kicked off her (Rachel’s) heels and is moaning in relief. Cosima reaches forward and tucks a lock of hair behind Sarah’s ear, fingers curling comfortingly around the shell of it.

“How was it?”

Sarah can tell Cosima really means how are _you_ , and she lets out a bitter bark of laughter.

“Well, Cos, I’ll tell you one thing. As much as I don’t like her, your girlfriend’s seriously hot.”

Cosima’s hand stills from where it had been stroking Sarah’s hair soothingly, and she pulls it back towards her chest suddenly, as though Sarah had just burned her. It’s so sudden and casual, her _girlfriend_ being thrown around, that it rocks Cosima to the bone. The termination of her relationship hadn’t been something she felt necessary to share when Sarah had been about to risk her life, but now that Sarah is here, safe and sound, she doesn’t know how she’s going to get around the subject. While she had tried to act unaffected with Scott, Sarah knows her better than that, and truth be told, she’s pretty fucking upset.

“She’s, um, not my girlfriend,” Cosima can feel the words building thickly in her throat and she has to force out: “Anymore.” Her voice catches then and she ignores Sarah’s searing gaze to stare at the ceiling, trying desperately to blink away traitorous tears.

“Cos?”

Cosima looks at Sarah then, at her stricken expression. “What happened?”

“She, um, broke up with me,” she coughs, trying to hide the emotions that fill her words. God, it hurts. It hurts so much, more than Cosima has ever experienced. Sure, they had had fights and betrayals, but none of them had ever carried the finality that this had.

"Shit. _Shit_. I'm sorry. I kept telling her to come talk to you. I didn't realize-"

Cosima places a placating hand on Sarah's arm. "Not your fault. If anything, it's mine."

Sarah is looking at her long and hard, a mixture of pity and confusion.

All Cosima wants to do is curl into a ball and cry her eyes out and then get thoroughly baked to ignore this whole heart breaking into a million pieces deal, but she soldiers on.

"I told her she had to love all of us, when she first said I love you. And she took my word too seriously and now she's trying to be impartial and I just," Cosima hiccups and she doesn't know when she's started crying, half angry at her eyes for betraying her emotions and half relieved to finally let it out.

"I didn't mean she had to stop loving me, Sarah." She’s sobbing now, whispering her last sentence like a mantra, over and over, leaning forward to clutch at Sarah's leather jacket with shaking fingers.

 

God damn does getting your heart broken hurt like a bitch.

Sarah, to all of her credit, just pulls Cosima closer, and cards her fingers through her hair. She shushes her gently, rocking her back and forth.

"Not your fault either, sweetheart. Not your fault."

And although somewhere in the rational part of Cosima's brain, the part with numbers and models and formulas, she knows that, and yet, it’s hard to make herself believe it. She knows that Delphine's decision isn't on her, but the more emotional part of her brain has been actively fighting against that conclusion since the words came out of Delphine's mouth. Still, it feels good to have it affirmed by Sarah that no, she didn't drive Delphine away, no, it’s not her fault, because she's been wallowing in that mindset for six hours now and it's getting a little old.

Tomorrow, she’ll be angry - with herself and with Delphine- but for now, in the waning light of Felix’s loft, her head pillowed by soft leather, she’ll let herself be heartbroken, just for a minute.

\---

Three weeks and two days after Delphine breaks up with her, Cosima finds herself caught up in a furry sweater that smells like Delphine, the remnants of an Eskimo Pie still dotting her lips. It’s comforting, to wrap herself in the soft scent of Delphine’s perfume, her smoke, and smell. The illusion of her presence makes it seem as though Delphine was just in the other room cooking, or jumping under the spray of her shower, instead of spiraling further down into DYAD’s clutches.

Cosima clutches the sweater tighter around her body and sinks into it, even as Felix comes in and shoots her a reproving look, all raised eyebrows and smirk. She goes with him to Bobbi’s Bar just to get him off her back and the next thing she knows, she’s registered for Sapphire, some weird dating app that Felix will not let go of until she is registered and has swiped right at least three times.

She meets Shay and forgets for a minute that everyone else in her life is wrapped up in secrecy and corporations and she finds herself laughing, really laughing, for the first time in weeks. When Shay presses her back against the pillows, her hand climbing high on Cosima’s thigh, Cosima lets her, even leaning into her touch, and tries not to close her eyes against the pliant give of Shay’s body.

\---

One month and four days after Delphine breaks up with her, she saunters into her lab, forty five minutes late, ignoring a nagging Scott who trails behind her like a lost puppy, when she is slammed back into reality. Delphine is, quite suddenly, _there_. Amid Cosima’s belongings and papers as if she had never left. She is sitting in Cosima’s chair, the one Cosima had cried in for an hour, and it is that sight alone that sets her off.

She’s angry, all tongue and cheek, but Delphine matches her blow for blow, raining reminder of the mess Cosima has stubbornly made for herself with the Castor brain and the misfolded protein that hibernates in Gracie’s ovary.

She does her best to ignore Delphine, answering each question tersely and avoiding prolonged eye contact. She doesn’t tell her about Shay, and maybe she should have, but she can’t bring herself to care all that much. Delphine asks her if there is anything she should know and Cosima pretends not to notice the way Delphine’s face falls when she bites out a quick, “ _No_ ,” and refuses to look at her.

Delphine is exhausted to the bone, and try as she might to keep LEDA safe, Sarah and Helena are still missing, probably tied to a metaphorical Castor whipping post, and there seems to be no point to having broken up with Cosima, because she cannot even protect the clones when they are apart. She is reckless, and discouraged, and so tired of being Doctor Cormier that she sends up an attempt, a last minute at-the-buzzer Hail Mary shot and tells Cosima that she misses her. And then Cosima is crying and leaving without a word, and Delphine thinks, plodding her way through a bottle of scotch, that maybe it was for the best. She is tired of hurting Cosima anyways.

Cosima goes home and kisses Shay until she can’t breathe and tries not to think of the way Delphine’s voice sounded as she guides Shay’s hand between her thighs.

When Delphine shows up at Shay’s door with a little plastic cup for Cosima to pee in, Cosima is livid. Not only does she see red when she hears Delphine’s characteristic French lilt, but she is angry that Delphine has now involved Shay in her second life. When she is with Shay, she doesn’t want to think about DYAD or Delphine or the knot in the pit of her stomach whenever she thinks about the blonde woman. But now, Delphine standing in front of her, lecturing her about “her numbers”, has potentially ruined everything. Delphine is careful though, and when Shay emerges from her shower, she just rubs a comforting hand down Cosima’s arm and doesn’t ask at all.

\---

Her cough is getting worse, and her lungs protest at the smallest things, even when Shay pushes her down into a corpse pose. Ironic how lying on the ground playing dead can remind her that her body wants her to be. She’s trying to stifle a cough when she feels Shay’s hand skim her exposed stomach, and her lips pull up at the corner.

“Do you know anything about near death experiences?” The question is out of her mouth before she can reel it in, and she wishes she could reach out and shove the words right back down her throat. Shay pauses in her ministrations, “Why? Have you had one?” Cosima nods and tries to ignore the warm feeling that spreads through her when Shay’s hand continues on its path up to her breasts.

“Something like that.”

Cosima can tell that Shay is nodding even with her eyes closed. Her fingers toy with the hem of Cosima’s top. “I have a theory that before we leave this life, we see what we love.” Cosima stills on the yoga mat and finds that she suddenly can’t breathe. “I mean like pit of the soul, can’t live without it, love. And if it’s strong enough, sometimes we find our way back.”

Cosima wants to cry and laugh and sigh because _of course_ that’s Shay’s theory, but her heart is beating double time and she misses Delphine so much in this moment that it _burns_ her insides.

She tries to distract herself from that particularly self-destructive line of thinking with the curl of Shay’s hair and can’t help but think about how much she misses Delphine’s.

\---

Delphine shoos Shay out of her lab with her presence and Cosima has half a mind to yell at her, but Delphine says _crazy science_ , and Cosima’s stomach gives a traitorous leap and she can’t help but smile.

“Sure,” she nods, mentally kicking herself for playing into Delphine’s unconscious charm.

“Good, because it is not...good news,” Delphine stutters, and then promptly presents Cosima with a file of a dead clone. The nationality (Polish) is the only thing she can give her about the identity. Cosima smirks at the file but all thoughts of _Identity Redacted_ go out the window the second Delphine’s hand comes down on hers in a lazy arc. Delphine doesn’t even notice, babbling on about gene sequences, but Cosima can do nothing but stare at their hands, frozen.

Delphine has incredible hands. It’s something Cosima has always noticed about her. Her nails are perfectly lacquered and well kept, and her fingers are strong and long. Cosima used to lie in the chill zone of their lab and trace each knuckle and vein for hours on end until Delphine would laugh and shove her down and put those fingers to better use. Now, Delphine’s thumb is stroking her absentmindedly and sending tingles up the entire length of her arm. Cosima watches as her own thumb, completely of its own volition,  presses into the soft skin between Delphine’s fingers. Her warmth is jolted away as she takes a phone call and Cosima has to give herself a few minutes to remind herself to breathe, knocking her knuckles on the table beneath her.

Suddenly, Delphine is hissing, “ _What book_?” and is turning to look at Cosima with a fire in her eyes and Cosima forgets all about her hands.

\---

Delphine is terrifying when she’s angry. Cosima is an idiot and Delphine is _terrifying_. She isn’t even yelling, just speaking in a low, harsh voice that makes Cosima feel like a small child. Everything Delphine doesn’t say is clear. _She expected better from them. She is disappointed in them._

Cosima would resent the fact that she is being treated like a kindergartener if she didn’t think she deserved it.  

\---

They need a distraction to get Rachel out of the building and Cosima goes to resign. She means it, too. She is tired of feeling her heart clench, or her mind explode in fury, every time she encounters Delphine in the bathroom, or the elevators. DYAD has become too much of Delphine’s turf and Cosima does not want to deal with it any longer.

Delphine looks at her with those eyes, the sad, too-proud-to-say-anything eyes, and Cosima just _breaks_.

“The day you left for Frankfurt, I almost died,” She spins, to see if she is invoking any emotion, but Delphine just watches her, curious and melancholic. “Some kind of near death experience. And it was so easy I could have just slipped away. And then I had a vision of you.” She is tearful, wanting to impress upon Delphine how important this is, how she saw Delphine in _death_. How much that means.  “I came back for you,” She chokes on the words and feels her mouth involuntarily flip up into a self-deprecating smile. How stupid was she to think that Delphine would be waiting for her on the other side. How utterly and wholeheartedly naive.

She should be happy that Delphine has to swallow down a lump in her throat before responding, but really she just feels herself shatter at the hurt and confusion in Delphine’s voice.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because you don’t believe stuff like that.”

Cosima thinks back to one night, months ago, where they had been lying in bed, faces inches from each other.

Do you believe in the afterlife? _Cosima had whispered, her knuckle stroking down Delphine’s cheek. She hummed and leaned into the touch, fingers splaying out over Cosima’s stomach._ I do not think so, mon amour, _she had responded, nudging Cosima onto her back so she could nuzzle into the slope of her neck._ Do you? _Her question tickled Cosima’s skin and she squirmed, hand coming up to paint broad strokes down Delphine’s naked back. In the quiet of their room, with Delphine’s moans still ringing in her ear, and her protective hand at her hip, Cosima had to stop herself from squeezing out a moronic,_ I feel like I’m in heaven with you. _Instead she pressed a kiss to Delphine’s forehead and wrapped herself more firmly around the woman in her arms._ I’m not sure, _she slurred, voice heavy with oncoming sleep._ I think there’s something. Just not sure what it is. _Delphine turned her head slightly to plant a sloppy kiss onto the patch of freckles on Cosima’s shoulder._ Sleep, mon amour, there will still be existential questions to answer in the morning. _Cosima had chuckled, slumber coming in fast waves, and tucked herself so close that Delphine had grumbled sleepily about being too hot._

She knows Delphine is thinking about it too, and she keeps moving forward, closer and closer to where Delphine is perched against her desk.

“Because we have to move on,” slips out of her mouth and even though she is now just a breath away from Delphine, she can’t look at her. She twists her head and closes her eyes in an effort to stop the tears from leaking out, to no avail. She vaguely hears Delphine whispering, _Come here, come here_. The next thing she knows, Delphine’s hands are on her face, _tugging_ her forward and she very nearly falls into Delphine’s lips.

The kiss is so achingly familiar that she feels the tightness that's been lodged in her chest for over a month start to unravel. Kissing Delphine feels so right. There is no other way to put it. It feels good, and just, and _right_. She sinks into Delphine, pressing hard and tasting the salt from their tears. Delphine kisses her again and the back of her eyelids explode with color. She wants to savor this, drag it out until they are so close that she does not know where she starts and Delphine begins, drag it out until Delphine sags in her arms, tired and boneless and happy. Delphine angles her face and this time, in the space between pulling apart and pushing back in, she breathes, _my love._

It hits Cosima like a sack of bricks. Delphine is, quite possibly, her soulmate. She has never felt anything as strong as what she feels for this beautiful, frustrating, infuriating woman. This woman who is pushing her away, who is staring at her with wide eyes and smudged lip gloss, and telling Cosima that she should have trusted her. This woman who renders Cosima speechless and amazed as the mask comes back on after being dropped for her for just a few moments.

Cosima wants to reach out and wipe away the smudge of her gloss, let Delphine lean into her thumb, but instead, they stare at each other for a few long seconds and then, Cosima leaves.

\---

One month and two weeks after Delphine breaks up with her, Cosima traipses back to Felix’s apartment, lips bruised and mind muddled.

Felix finds her on the couch, staring at nothing, her fingers tracing the smooth skin of each lip. She doesn’t notice when he slides the door shut, only when he drops down next to her.

“Oh, hey Felix,” she startles and she looks so shaken up that Felix has to reach out a hand to steady her.

“What’s going on, sweetheart?” He cuts right to the chase, because Cosima looks stricken and he is sick of no one talking to him about anything around here. To his immense surprise, she obliges him.

“Do you remember that thing that you said a while ago about finding the person who stays in your heart forever?” She waits for his nod.

“I found her,” her face crumples alarmingly fast, and Felix reaches out a comforting hand immediately.

“Honey, what are you talking about?” He intones quietly, brushing a dreadlock off of her shoulder. Cosima, amid her sniffles, is reminded of Sarah and she realizes how thankful she is that the two of them came into her life.

“I am so in love with Delphine, Felix,” her voice is so small and heavy that Felix can do nothing but tug her closer. “I tried to get over her, I really did, but she’s the one. She’s just… my person, you know?” She looks up at him, frustrated that she can’t express her feelings more eloquently, and nervous at what she is admitting because Felix has not been Delphine’s number one fan. Like, ever. 

He nods slowly, hand clamped around her shoulder. “Does she know?”

Cosima is so stunned that he doesn’t whip out a smart-ass response that she almost yelps. Instead, she shakes her head.

“I don’t think so.”

“Then tell her,” Felix’s response is so immediate that this time, Cosima really does yelp. “I’m serious, Cos. I know I poked fun at you for pining over her, but I didn’t realize how deep this went for you. I just figured you would be over it soon. So tell her, yeah? Because if someone felt that strongly about me, I sure as hell would want to know.”

Cosima stares at him, mouth agape, until he shoves her shoulder, half joking, half serious.

“Go, you wanker. I’ll be here when you get back. _If_ you get back,” he winks and just like that, he’s back to his old self, no longer the man beyond his years doling out wise advice.

Before she can second guess herself, she is up off the couch, practically sprinting to the door, ignoring Felix’s delighted laughter behind her.

\---

One month and two weeks after Delphine breaks up with her, Cosima finds herself at Delphine’s door. The entire bus ride over, she has gone back and forth between wanting to kiss Delphine and wanting to punch her for making her feel all of these emotions. It’s nearing two in the morning and she hasn’t seen Delphine since her resignation was accepted. Cosima almost walks away when she sees Delphine’s apartment number nailed neatly to her door, but she is here now and has been standing out here for long enough that one of Delphine’s neighbors might think she’s a serial killer.

So she knocks, if only to avoid Mr. Pratt from apartment 26C calling the police.

It takes a few minutes for the door to open, and when it does, all Cosima can do is blink.

Delphine looks so different that Cosima struggles to find a word to describe her. _Young_ , she finally settles on. Delphine’s face is scrubbed free of makeup, and she is wearing sweatpants that are too big, trapped under the heels of her bare feet. She pulls uncomfortably at the hem of her too-small sleep shirt, one that Cosima notices as one of her own, and it draws Cosima’s attention to the exposed skin of her stomach where the shirt rides up on her hips.

But what hits Cosima the most is her mess of sleep-tousled curls. She feels her heart tug because it has been so, so long since she has seen Delphine’s hair like this: wild and messy and free.

Cosima had come to Delphine’s apartment not knowing whether she wanted to kiss Delphine or punch her and now she doesn’t want to do either. She ignores the way Delphine is staring at her, brow furrowed in confusion, her mouth halfway to pronouncing Cosima’s name in a question, and launches herself forward, hugging Delphine so tightly that she hears a little _ouf_ as she knocks the wind out of her.

She coils her arms around Delphine’s waist and waits, willing, begging, for Delphine’s arms to come up and curl around her, instead of hanging stiffly beside her body. When they finally do, it’s just as firm, if not firmer, than the way Cosima herself is hugging Delphine.

They stand there, in the doorway of Delphine’s lonely apartment, hugging fiercely for so long that Cosima loses track of time. As time stretches on, it becomes less of a desperate embrace, and Delphine’s arms begin to soften along Cosima’s shoulders as she sighs into her.

She doesn’t apologize, and neither does Delphine. They just hold each other and Cosima, with her face pressed into Delphine’s neck, inhaling the smell of her shampoo and her perfume, smiles fully for the first time in a very long time.

She wants to tell Delphine how much she cares about her, wants to kiss the soft of her cheek over and over again, and mumble, _it’s always been you_ into the jut of her collarbone.

Instead, she grips Delphine tighter and murmurs, “I missed your hair,” grinning when Delphine lets out a shaky breath of laughter against the shell of her ear.

One month and two weeks after Delphine breaks up with her, Cosima finds her way back.

 

 


End file.
